


The Inevitable Sunset

by ASBusinessMagnet, interdimensionalPortaller (ASBusinessMagnet)



Series: Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller"'s story arc [3]
Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Fic within a Fic, Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-08
Updated: 2011-12-18
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASBusinessMagnet/pseuds/ASBusinessMagnet, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASBusinessMagnet/pseuds/interdimensionalPortaller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reposted from the rival website FanFiction.Net.</p><p>"Portal / real life crossover: The Business Magnet has forgotten how to write fanfiction, and needs to learn. Meanwhile, the enemies he would like to forget take over his fantasy world, completely remake it, and all the cake reappears."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue A

_The Inevitable Sunset_

"Portal / real life crossover: Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise is nowhere to be developed, and the Business Magnet needs to find a new cliché to build around. It just doesn't get well."

* * *

Another actual morning rose over the Lithuanian skies. It made visible the "to-be" Aperture Science Business Magnet's room, with a strange new detail: a white-colored Dell laptop, with a deviantART page opened.

As the page loaded, a great picture was uncovered. Thirteen people, who anyone following (but of course no one is actually following) Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise should know about, were drawn with different expressions which made them unique. The drawing itself was captioned by the words "Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise" and "2008 12 24 - 2010 10 26" written in a highly stylistic script. The summary of the drawing was:

* * *

_The Eleven_

_by ~ASBusinessMagnet_

_Traditional Art / Drawings / People (c)2011 ~ASBusinessMagnet_

_Here, let me copy this SLIGHTLY MODIFIED list in._  
 _[link]_

_(Sorry, I can't find the list. You'll have to do on your own.)_

_Now here's a FAQ, or if you prefer, FUCK YOU:_

_Q: Why 2010 10 26?_

_A: Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time was released then. It all went downhill after that._

_Q: (asked by irenicPie) so im not in your franchise? awwwwww_

_A: No. You are and were a nightmare for me._

_Q: (asked by a Lithuanian) PORTAL SUCKS_

_A: No, it doesn't._

_100 Nested Newest First_

_No comments have been added yet._

_~ASBusinessMagnet - Add a Comment:_

You know this is unnecessary and didn't have to be added in, but whatever.

Wait why has this text appeared in the comment box?

*Turns on Notepad again*

With that done, the Business Magnet knew this two-and-a-half-year-long fail-train had to derail and crash. There was something new to have to write about that would still be related to Portal. Or maybe Minecraft. Oh, was the Business Magnet addicted to Minecraft.

He had thought out several new ideas to build on.

One was a "retarded comic based on a retarded fan fiction", a Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff-styled ITS MY LIFE! parody "Sweet Chell and Hella Marrissa". Six episodes were made to date (seven if you count an alternate version of the fifth fitting the Portal 2 canon more), revolving around the same Mary Sue every Portal fan on already knew about. But if anything serious needed to happen, that wasn't it.

A second idea was a Portal - Minecraft crossover. After the events of Portal 2, which the Business Magnet started favoring over Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time, Chell would find herself in a Minecraft-like world, begin living and eventually meet and make friends with Herobrine. It was only an idea, an actual scripture wasn't started yet, but it also felt like out of place.

The Business Magnet turned on another tab on the computer running Windows XP running Mozilla Firefox 3.6, the certain forums revolving around alternate histories, and gazed around. His idea, which was that Gorbachev never became the General Secretary of the Soviet Union Communist Party and hence Lithuanian Sąjūdis never formed and hence the Soviet Union survived until this day, also wasn't going anywhere. He read through the other alternate histories that were there, but none caught his attention.

And then, being seriously tired after staying up overnight, he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why reveal my inner workings
> 
> and why deviantART


	2. Prologue C

_Meanwhile, down the impenetrable fourth wall of Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise..._

* * *

..there was a girl with a certain name in the same dystopia where she lived for over a week by now.

Every day, she was getting better and better at writing fan fiction. Last day, she successfully broke the fourth wall and opened a portal to her alternate timeline self's planet, Land of Amber and Frogs, and they had a very friendly hug. But today, there was much more important business to do.

To open a portal to the Business Magnet's room and defeat him once and for all.

Ever since she woke up from her Relaxation Vault for the second time, he was harassing her again and again and again. He fizzled the Companion Cube right in her face, blasted Wheatley to pieces twice, smashed her around different times and places, made it seem like she was responsible for everything in his franchise and finally tucked her away to the Incipisphere of a long-forgotten session, even though Portal-themed, but still abandoned.

Her adventures were called Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time, and the name she would refer to herself now was Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller".

She opened up OpenOffice on her laptop once again, turned on the Fan Fiction Application and started writing.

* * *

_Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise: The Last Word_

_(God, I NEED to think up a better name.)_

_What happened was this._

_There was a huge storm over the house with the stupid wire frame pyramid stuck on it. During the storm, two Freelance Plot Protectors came over the house and stole the Business Magnet. Then a portal opened and the dumbass inventor-_

* * *

Wrong, wrong, and for the last time wrong.

That phrase clung to her brain like a tumor. Like Wheatley into- nah. Wheatley was the god. No one could ever blame Wheatley for anything.

That phrase...

clung to her brain like HIM.

Like the Business Magnet.

Way better.

She clapped to herself and continued writing.

* * *

_Then a portal opened and the Business Magnet fell into it and became unconscious. The Protectors then painted the blue folder orange, stuffed it through the portal, closed it and escaped._

_Then ANOTHER portal opened and-_

* * *

Whoa. It worked.

Just as she wrote that, a portal opened in HER room. No longer thinking anything, the newly-made villain went through.

She there found a helmet, much like hers (Valve Software couldn't think up of a worse idea; that's why they changed it), except dark blue and the number was "22" instead of "06". She also found a colorful shirt which apparently mentioned every single major work of Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise. She unceremoniously took them upon her and oh yeah.

"And here we go..."

She looked over the laptop where a little message read, "Aperture Science Business Magnet: The Fan Fiction Writer of the 22nd Century."

Yes. Perfect.

"The New Fan Fiction Writer of the 22nd Century."

She also almost forgot to add, "Who actually lived in the 22nd century."

The games needed to begin.

And she would know where to start from.


	3. Part 1c

_The Old Author's Note (TOAN): The basic point is, Alix and Katz, instead of making a roleplay, just decided to say "fuck you" and write our characters themselves, with a chance they will not write them at all._

_Basically, don't expect any more A parts if they DO decide to write me. If not, then, assuming I wasn't just rejected at all, I will write up how I fared._

* * *

_Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller"'s Portal 2: The Coolest Sequel of All Time, or How I Learned to Discredit Everything the Evil Fanfiction Business Magnet Said about Me and just Get Along with It Myself_

_Featuring guest authors:_   
_* (Past) Contine Overseer (CO)_   
_* And an alternate timeline version of myself that didn't suffer what I did, empatheticAmazon (EA)_

The New Author's Note (TNAN): Hello, guys! I think most of you are guys. Because, you know, I am a girl.

This is my first fan fiction set in Portal: The 4th Millennium (whatever that nonsense means) franchise, I mean, I'm from the 22nd century, and that time is still nine hundred years away. Maybe it is something I still didn't get from the Business Magnet's (that's how the guy I defeated calls himself) collection. It is set around the time as, hold on. I need to copy this thing in, (...)

_Aperture Science Business Magnet's Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time - A Beginner's Guide and Walkthrough of Valve Software's Portal 2,_

you all know that, right? But believe me, this time I will not suffer from whatever that caused.

Sincerely, the New Fan Fiction Writer of the 22nd Century. (Who ACTUALLY lived in the 22nd century.)

* * *

_Prologue: The Memo_

* * *

_CURRENT interdimensionalPortaller [CIP] RIGHT NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board Portal 2 The Coolest Sequel of All Time._

_CIP RIGHT NOW opened memo on board Portal 2 The Coolest Sequel of All Time._

CIP: Too bad the memo thing didn't support colons.  
CIP: Whatever.  
CIP: First of all,  
CIP: You should all know,  
CIP: Why is my memory so terrible?  
CIP: Just sake of one more copy-paste:  
CIP: Aperture Science Business Magnet's Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time - A Beginner's Guide and Walkthrough of Valve Software's Portal 2.  
CIP: Right?  
 _FUTURE combineOverseer [FCO] 694,465 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo._  
FCO: y44h  
FCO: and?  
CIP: Even though I did crack that frog temple code, I still cannot discern what you said.  
 _FCO ceased responding to memo._  
CIP: Great.  
CIP: Everything went JUST AS PLANNED.  
Sarcasm sphere self-test complete.  
CIP: Huh?  
 _FUTURE combineOverseer 2 [FCO2] 694,465 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo._  
FCO2: I still w4s writing from my 0wn mainframe.  
FCO2: Sorry.  
CIP: At least this way it's way more discernable.  
FCO2: Okay.  
FCO2: Ye4h, I know exactly what y0u're talking about.  
CIP: Great.  
CIP: What I meant was,  
CIP: After the events,  
CIP: I eventually took over his Blue Portals Franchise,  
FCO2: WH4T?  
CIP: Did that mean something?  
FCO2: You took MY OWN Franchise?  
CIP: No.  
CIP: The Business Magnet's.  
FCO2: Oh, okay.  
CIP: I did that,  
CIP: And there's some mistakes from the past I need to fix.  
CIP: Hence, a play on the title, "Portal 2: The Coolest Sequel of All Time."  
CIP: Or if you want it that way,  
CIP: Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller"'s Portal 2: The Coolest Sequel of All Time, or How I Learned to Discredit Everything the Evil Fanfiction Business Magnet Said about Me and just Get Along with It Myself.  
CIP: I like computers.  
FCO2: And?  
FCO2: What it i5 supposed to be ab0ut?  
CIP: My events, changed drastically.  
CIP: So I'm no longer mocked.  
 _? empatheticAmazon [?EA] ? responded to memo._  
?EA: Just wanted to say,  
?EA: Why keep everything at ideality?  
CIP: Because I SAID SO.  
?EA: You may think my version of the adventures was ideality, but it wasn't.  
FCO2: Wait, what?  
FCO2: I thought from what y0u told me it wa5?  
?EA: Um, you didn't tell me anything.  
CIP: The other Chell said it.  
CIP: Well,  
CIP: If I make everything ideality you could also say "If it were like that" while reading it.  
?EA: Fair deal.  
FCO2: What about m3?  
CIP: You too.  
CIP: The ideal life of two girls aspiring to be ideal.  
?EA: Three!  
CIP: We're both the same one.  
?EA: Heh heh.  
CIP: Enough introduction, let's start.  
CIP: I'll be copy-pasting the lines, one by one, from the original, and we decide if to change them or not.  
FCO2: Ye4h.  
CIP: Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time  
CIP: I thought I already took care of THAT one?  
FCO2: /boardname  
Currently on board "Portal 2 The Coolest Sequel of All Time".  
CIP: Damn restrictions.  
CIP: Okay.  
CIP: EXACT TIME: 2107 October 9, 12:30 PM  
?EA: It was three hundred years.  
?EA: Don't you remember?  
CIP: Oh yes, I do remember.  
CIP: But this author doesn't.  
FCO2: It may n0t influence me, but...  
FCO2: It chang3s betwe3n "before" and "4fter".  
?EA: Befour and four-fter?  
CIP: The year 2304.  
?EA: Bingo.  
CIP: The exact time would be 2304, umm...  
CIP: April 19,  
CIP: 06:22 AM.  
FCO2: Sure.  
FCO2: Tuning d0wn my plans as I spe4k.  
CIP: EXACT PLACE: Aperture Science Main Headquarters, Cleveland, Ohio, USA  
?EA: I once found a newspaper from the place,  
?EA: which was called "UP Pioneer Press".  
CIP: And?  
?EA: Pretty sure that's a Michigan brand.  
CIP: How great.  
CIP: Both time AND place are different.  
FCO2: Actually, why d0 we have to do thi5 line by line?  
FCO2: Why not t4ke the big 5cale of things?  
CIP: Perfect.  
CIP: Roughly, what were the events in Portal 2?  
?EA: Some "announcer" was talking about nine nine nine when Wheatley woke me up.  
?EA: He dragged the entire chamber where I was in to one of the old testing tracks.  
?EA: Which were surprisingly similar to the ones in Portal 1.  
CIP: Okay...  
CIP: Instead of Cave Johnson have the announcer, have Wheatley drag chambers around,  
FCO2: Why d0 I not have personality cores to drag test chambers around?  
CIP: Portal 1 chambers are still here.  
CIP: What?  
FCO2: With your "Whe4tley".  
?EA: Oh, you mean my kernelsprite?  
?EA: You know what?  
?EA: After all that, I still think he's not helpful.  
FCO2: LAAAAAAAAAAME.  
FCO2: When we played the g0ddamn game, my planet h4d some metal cube and Denis Gr4nt himself into that spirograph.  
?EA: Who's this Denis Grant?  
?EA: Is he like your version of Cave Johnson?  
FCO2: Our facility is c4lled "Blue Portals Devel0pment Center".  
CIP: Oh THAT Blue Portals Development Center?  
CIP: With yellowish walls, stupid magnets I won't for my life figure out and...  
CIP: Ummm...  
FCO2: Ye5.  
FCO2: That same one.  
?EA: Cool.  
?EA: You know what, if it is in your story, keep it.  
CIP: And?  
CIP: Then?  
CIP: Talk back to you later.  
CIP: I need to write up the first part.  
?EA: Okay.  
FCO2: And then we c4n just talk and talk and t4lk.

_(Memo to be continued...)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um, most fanfic writers are girls
> 
> it's even a trope


	4. Part 2c

_TOAN: You know what, if Alix and Katz cared at all they would have PM'ed me or reviewed this story or something._

* * *

_Portal 2: The Coolest Sequel of All Time_

EXACT TIME: 2304 April 19, 06:22 PM  
EXACT PLACE: Aperture Science Main Headquarters, somewhere in Michigan because the UP Pioneer Press says so

* * *

A moron kernelsprite called Wheatley was waking up test subjects going around the facility which I'm absolutely sure wasn't Blue Portals Development Center. He was doing it over and over again, like what. He was gathering an army against GLaDOS? Never mind.

The moron kernelsprite called Wheatley was- yeah. He sure was.

So, he came across the motel room where I was and started speaking Spanish as he he had moving better to do with his life.

"-no. JUST GET OUT OF THE BLOODY JAIL CELL!"

I got out, since my life was already ruined forever, and saw a glowing orange personality core attached to some sort of a tail. "Ha! I knew someone was stuck in this planet! Out of the entire Incipisphere!"

"Incipi-what?" I wondered since I was so lame and couldn't figure out for my ruined life as a test subject in the Llama Laboratories.

"Oh, you don't know what the Incipisphere is- well you SHOULD know what the Incipisphere is, because you DO play Sburb. Oh well. Count that as brain damage."

Then he dragged the whole goddamn fail cell around, completely destroying it in process, but I hung onto his glowing orange solid body and we were folding around but then he became non-solid and I fell into one of test chambers where I already rested.

The best chamber was the best. The zeroth one. Where I was still walking into walls and didn't realize my life was ruined.

Just remembering those good ol' (yeah. Old. Definitely old.) times I became happy. I lay down against the wall where I could see a storage cube and thought - hey, why not solve the test?  
Then, I solved the test, and it took me to the next one.

And then I realized it was different! Someone changed it! This was insanity!

Just then Wheatley came in, suddenly became non-solid, and hit a wall so hard he fell over.

"And you don't even have a bloody portal gun."

"Then show me where it is!"

Wheatley then smashed the glasses around and made the whole fest chamber easier for me. Then I went west and everything continued.

The chambers, one by one, were pretty cool and I loved them to the last one. Until one of them with the energy balls which sucked because they were not working.

One of them was fired with a certain amount of energy when...

_TNAN: You expect me to continue? Just wait._

* * *

CIP ceased responding to memo.  
?EA: Talk and talk and talk about what?  
FCO2: Like Blue P0rtals Development Center.  
FCO2: I have a so much fun story to tell you.  
?EA: Okay.  
FCO2: That night of 1990, when Lithu4nia declared independ3nce, there was a man called Denis Grant.  
FCO2: He saw an Aperture 5cience advertisement on the wall.  
?EA: Yeah!  
?EA: Aperture advertisements for the win!  
FCO2: I.  
FCO2: 4M.  
FCO2: BLUE PORTALS DEVEL0PMENT CENTER.  
?EA: Oh okay.  
FCO2: Back.  
FCO2: And he thought: why n0t create an identical copy of Aperture, but with himself as the leader?  
FCO2: And everything sn0wballed from her3.  
FCO2: He made his 0wn testing elements, his own test chambers and...  
FCO2: Well...  
FCO2: Me.  
?EA: You?  
FCO2: The Aperture Intelligence Tier Tw0.  
FCO2: Where Tier One i5 your GLaDOS.  
?EA: Don't get me started about GLaDOS...  
?EA: This Wheatley turned her into a potato and stashed her and me into the old Aperture areas.  
FCO2: Ahahahahahaa.  
FCO2: Her!  
FCO2: A potat0!  
FCO2: Well.  
FCO2: She got what she deserved.  
?EA: So.  
?EA: He made you out of his own wife, I guess?  
FCO2: Oh ye4h.  
FCO2: He knew turning himself into a machine wouldn't work.  
FCO2: Everything needed to be done Apertur3 way.  
?EA: Heh heh.  
?EA: Except Aperture went haywire.  
FCO2: Well, BPDC did too.  
FCO2: In fact, when I'm done with pl0t protecting, I'm just retiring to a particul4r Central Europe4n city and having a perfect life.  
?EA: Huh?  
FCO2: Oh, yeah, the story.  
FCO2: In the first twenty ye4rs of BPDC, he made everything as Aperture did, only...  
FCO2: Differ3ntly.  
?EA: And after that?  
FCO2: After that?  
FCO2: He just let the 3vents roll.  
FCO2: With me.  
FCO2: And I lived a pretty good life.  
?EA: That's what GLaDOS told me.  
?EA: "Nobody murdered me."  
?EA: "Or put me into a potato."  
FCO2: Potato...  
?EA: "Or fed me to birds."  
?EA: What?  
FCO2: She was just th4t lame to be in a p0tato?  
?EA: YES.  
?EA: And she then remembered that she WAS some "Caroline".  
FCO2: Caroline the potato...  
FCO2: Well look where I am.  
FCO2: Do I l0ok like a potato?  
?EA: Nope.  
?EA: But I know what you DO look like.  
?EA: A human.  
FCO2: Wait, wh4t?

_[Memo still to be continued...]_


	5. Part 3c

_TOAN: And as I expected, I was rejected because they thought with nothing shorter than "the Business Magnet" to refer to me they couldn't write anything about me._

_Oh well._

_Back to total derailment of Portal 2 canon by a canon chara- I mean, watching my franchise being obliterated by a monster which I created._

_Like a Frankenstein monster.  
_

* * *

FCO2: Oh, comm0n.  
FCO2: You thought you'd fool me with that?  
?EA: Fool you with what?  
FCO2: I'm a human.  
FCO2: She'5 a potato.  
?EA: Nope.  
FCO2: Nope?  
?EA: After she took back the leadership from Wheatley she transferred herself back.  
FCO2: The chamber dragger a5sumed HER positi0n?  
?EA: So?  
FCO2: Ahahahahahahahaaa.  
?EA: What now?  
FCO2: The chamber dragger as HER?  
?EA: It still sucked.  
?EA: If he was to stay, I'd not be talking to you right now.  
FCO2: Oh, sorry.  
FCO2: Um, STILL.  
?EA: What do you find NOT funny...  
FCO2: What is wr0ng with thing5 being funny?  
?EA: They're not funny.  
FCO2: Yes, they are.  
?EA: No, they AREN'T.  
CURRENT interdimensionalPortaller [CIP] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CIP: Hello, I'm back!  
CIP: Got any interesting plot ideas?  
FCO2: Ye4h:  
FCO2: Have Wheatley take over the place and blow everything up.  
?EA: No, don't.  
PAST iamnotAmarysue [PIA] 82,248 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
PIA: AN I JUTS HAPENED TO STUMBLE ACCROSS THIS MEEM AND IT LOOKS LICK THE BUZINESS GUYZ FAN FICSHON?  
CIP: Don't you even DARE talk about the Business Magnet.  
CIP: This is the point.  
CIP: I'm taking his horrible work and turning it into something at least desirable.  
FCO2: With Whe4tley blowing up everything.  
PIA: NO ON TALKS LICK THAT ABOUT MY LAWFUL MERRIED HUBBY  
PIA: NO  
PIA: ON  
?EA: Lawful merried hubby?  
PIA: ALSO WHO IS THIS COWD?  
?EA: I figured out I and interdimensionalPortaller were just two instances of the same woman,  
CIP: Chell Johnson.  
PIA: AND I THOT YOU SUFFERED FATAL DAMUGE FROM BEING FUSED WITH GLADOS INTO CHELLGADOS...  
CIP: Fused with GLaDOS?  
CIP: Most ridiculous thing that could ever happen to ANYONE.  
FCO2: What so we n0w have a third alternat3 reality?  
FCO2: Bypass.  
FCO2: Just get me int0 Etyl the next day.  
FCO2 ceased responding to memo.  
?EA: Just why you would be married, I presume, to Wheatley?  
PIA: YUR MY SISTER YOU MUST KNOW ALLREADY  
CIP: I don't remember that my sister would write that horribly.  
CIP: We were from a family that knows how to write, thanks.  
PIA: OH AND IT SEEMS YOUR SMART  
PIA: SINCE YOUR NOT BOOTY QUAKING  
?EA: Booty quaking?  
?EA: Lolwut?  
CIP: She stranded a version of Wheatley with a weird tail and herself in space,  
?EA: Incipisphere.  
PIA: INCEPE WHAT?


	6. Part 4l Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the longest part of this fanfic and it isn't even written by me

_TOAN_ _: I know that this story was INTENTIONALLY made to NOT adhere to Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise ~~and I won't ever forgive the author for that~~ , but a fic does exist and I can't deny it._

_The Secondary Manager's Note (TSMN): (irenicPie didn't have any notes on this.)_

* * *

 

**The Inevitable Sunset: An Impossible Continuation _(alternate title Portal 2: The Silliest Sequel of All Time)_**

**A Fanfiction of a Fanfiction by irenicPie**

**Chapter One**

_PIA: OH AND IT SEEMS YOUR SMART_  
 _PIA: SINCE YOUR NOT BOOTY QUAKING_  
 _?EA: Booty quaking?_  
 _?EA: Lolwut?_  
 _CIP: She stranded a version of Wheatley with a weird tail and herself in space,_  
 _?EA: Incipisphere._  
 _PIA: INCEPE WHAT?_  
CIP: …  
CIP: You know what? This is ridiculous.  
PIA: OH YA WELL MAYBE YOU SHUD BE DOING SUMTHING GOOD RATEHER THAN MESSENG WITH THE BUZINESS GUYS FAN FICSHON!  
CIP: Yeah? We-  
CIP: …  
CIP: Maybe you're right.  
?EA: What?  
PIA: WHAT  
CIP: Maybe changing my past won't help me. Maybe. Maybe I need to change the present.  
 _CIP_ _ceased_ _responding_ _to_ _memo._

Ms Johnson-Rattmann leant back in her chair.

Feeling the aftershock of her epiphany, she couldn't believe she had been so blind. What was seeking revenge going to do for her? Of course, she would feel good about herself for a while. But then what? Retire to a particular Central European city and have a perfect life?

_But what IS the perfect life?_

She spent a long time sitting, just thinking about what her perfect life would be like. She tried to imagine where she'd be, who she'd be spending it with.

It was difficult.

She found herself thinking of Doug, and just as she did so, a message appeared on her screen.

\- labratScientist [LS] began pestering interdimensionalPortaller [IP] at 11:54 -

LS: You're not going to believe this.  
IP: What is it?  
LS: When you portalled to this world, I did the same... I wanted to follow you. Only, I ended up very far away from you. I'm not sure where I was.  
IP: Oh, well done. What now?  
LS: Well, it gets worse. I've been kidnapped. By pirates.

He was right. She didn't believe it.

IP: If that's so, then how are you contacting me?  
LS: Reluctantly, I managed to steal a citizen's phone just before they caught me and managed to sneak it onto the ship. I overheard them talking, they're taking me to their hideout, but first they'll be stopping at a harbour to "restock".  
IP: ...Why are you telling me this?  
LS: If you can get to the harbour in Mexico in time, then maybe you could sneak on and free me.  
IP: Mexico? Doug, I'm in the middle of Europe. How am I going to get to Mexico?  
LS: I don't know. You're the creative one.

Chell sighed. She looked to her right, at the glowing Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device that she had placed carefully on the desk.

There must be a way of getting to Mexico, very quickly.

_There has to be a way._


	7. Part 4l Chapter Two

Ms Johnson-Rattmann agilely climbed to the top of the building, twisting her lithe body to sit on the roof. Without hesitation, she found the highest point on the roof and looked towards the West, with the midday sun to her left.

She found the furthest point on the horizon, aimed her Portal Device at it, and fired a blue portal into the distance. She then placed a portal on the roof just beside her, but hesitated before jumping into it.

_Look before you leap._

Acutely aware of how comical this must look, she knelt beside the portal and stuck her head through it. It looked as though she were on the side of a tall building. There was nobody to be seen.

"Brilliant."

She dropped through, landing perfectly on her feet, naturally. Portalling onto the roof of this new building, she repeated the steps, sometimes travelling hundreds of miles west. Her progress depended on the height of the building and the obstruction of the horizon each time.

She continued in this manner, unbelievably, all across Europe. She crossed seas by hopping onto boats, crossed marshes by clambering through the treetops, and crossed borders completely undetected. But eventually, exhaustion began to set in.

She had been through Lithuania, Southern Sweden, Denmark, and Britain. She would need to find a boat that would take her South-West, to Central America. The journey would take her several more days, but Ms Johnson-Rattmann was confident that she could reach the Mexican harbour in time to get onto the pirates' ship.

But for now, she had to rest. There was only so much a body could stand. She settled into the hotel room she had booked for the night in a small English town.

_I'm coming for you, Doug._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that doesn't look like my neighbourhood at all
> 
> in fact that looks like a bunch of words typed by a derp girl


	8. Part 4l Chapter Three

Finding the ship to Central America was easy.

Spending 3 days on the ship was nothing.

Crossing the countries to Mexico was simple.

The hard part, was finding the harbour. Ms Johnson-Rattmann pulled out the scrap of paper she had stuffed up her sleeve. It read, " _Poseidon's_ _Doom_ ", the name of the ship that Doug was currently prisoner inside.

She managed to visit four harbours before the sun finally set below the skyline. The remaining time was slimming fast. She sat down on the rough weathered planks of the wooden pier, looking out at the horizon where the last remnants of glowing sky s-

_What is that?_

It appeared to be a ship, but it looked nothing like the other, engine-cranked, steel-lined cargo watercraft that dotted the shore.

This ship was wooden, majestic, with a prow that reached high into the dusk air and a figurehead that sat proudly upon it. The ship's many sails billowed in the warm westward wind and brought the ship to cruise alongside the harbour.

A cry rang out into the near-silence that had fell.

"PIRATES!"

It couldn't be.

_Poseidon's Doom._

It could not have been a lucky coincidence. The moment she saw those two words, she honestly questioned whether there was a higher entity at work here.

But now wasn't the time for pondering how deterministic the universe really was.

Chell knew it wouldn't take the pirates long to do whatever they had pulled into the harbour to do – or to be driven back, or even captured – but they certainly wouldn't be hanging around for long. Drawing the portal gun she aimed for one of the ship's sails, portalled beneath herself and flung herself through, finding herself hurtling to the ships deck, but catching its netting first. Dark figures bustled about below and shouted to each other.

Looking closely, they seemed to be concerned about a coast guard boat that appeared to be approaching them.

In the confusion, they hadn't noticed Chell hanging silently above them and she managed to drop hastily to the deck and jump – apparently unnoticed – into the hatch.

It was at that moment that Chell realised she knew absolutely nothing about Pirate ships and where they kept their prisoners.

She swore under her breath, aware that every second that passed brought with it more chance of being caught. She looked around the narrow wooden corridor, and noticed a door at the fair end.

" _C_ _uartos_ _del_ _C_ _apitán_ _"_ , it helpfully read.

Taking a deep breath and summoning all her strength, she ran the length of the corridor and burst through the door, gasping with relief as she found the room empty – but there on the table in the centre of the room lay a sea map, a compass, and two long, curved swords, one of which had been jammed into the table to hold it to the map to it. Breathlessly, Chell shoved the compass into her pocket, and snatched up the free sword. She tried in vain to pull the other from the table, but with no luck.

She took a look at the map.

It looked as though they were heading for the Peruvian coastline.

_And then?_

Chell noticed another map laying abandoned on the floor. It looked as though it had been there for some time. Glancing over it, it seemed to show a river route from Peru's coastline deep into its jungles.

She hurriedly folded it until it would fit into her pocket, and left the room, not bothering to close the door behind her.

"Where  _are_  you, Doug?" She mentally cried, and the sudden overwhelming feeling of helplessness was all but advantageous.

A confused grunt at the far end of the corridor startled her – a pirate stood, his mouth hanging open, and he gazed for a moment at the woman.

Fortunately for the woman, this moment gave her the precious seconds she needed to scramble up the ladder and back onto the deck, reflexively placing a portal on the nearest dry land she could see, before-

"Get back here!" A gruff voice growled from behind her, grabbing her ankle with a rough dirty hand and causing her to fall to the wooden planks.

"Let me go!" Chell shouted, kicking her other leg out at the man's face. Her heel hit the bridge of his nose and she felt it break beneath her foot, but still the man did not release his grip.

By now, she had the attention of almost the entire boat.

There was only one thing left to do.

She placed a portal beneath herself, and the man's grip slackened, backing away in shock as the woman seemingly fell into nothingness.

The small crowd that had gathered on land were too busy watching  _Poseidon's_ _Doom_ retreating back out to sea to notice a lithe woman fall from a great height and land quietly on her feet by the side of a building at the front of the docks. She quickly closed the portals and sat breathlessly down on the building's steps.

She had failed.

She felt the map and compass against her leg and knew that she hadn't lost Doug for good.

But somehow the minor victory felt soured by the fact that he was still in that ship, and who knows what terrible things they were doing to him?

_Pull yourself together, Ms Johnson-Rattmann._

Sitting around feeling sorry for herself wasn't going to rescue Doug. There was still a chance, but she had to act fast. She reached into her pocket and retrieved the map she had taken, unfolding and examining it closely. She looked at the destination: deep in the heart of the jungle, apparently away from any civilisation.

Why would pirates have a hideout so far away from the sea?

It didn't seem logical. But if there was anything her life had taught her, it was that anything was possible, and one should expect anything but the expected.


	9. Part 4l Chapter Four

The tiny, Peruvian village of Huicungo certainly weren't expecting a visit from a young British woman in a blue jumpsuit. But she wasn't intending to stay.

Chell found a local man who owned a boat that could navigate the River Huauna, and paid him a decent sum of money to row her in a South-Westerly direction until his boat could go no further. Then Chell must make her own way – approximately half a mile west – through the jungles with nothing but her compass, map, and sword. And of course, tied at her waistline, she kept the Portal Device at all times.

As she hopped off the boat and onto the river bank, the native thoughtfully offered her a skein of water for her journey.

She smiled in thanks. "Gracias."

The trees were dense and the undergrowth was thick. Chell found that the sword came in useful as she used it to hack through the greenery that blocked her westbound path.

And then she saw it.

The dark mouth of a cave gaped before her, visible even though the canopy of leaves that hung above the path ahead. For a second, Chell paused. Anything could be in there.

But almost as soon as she'd stopped, she started again.

Doug could be in there.

_I've found you._

Hurriedly breaking through the last of the undergrowth, Chell sprinted lightly towards the cave's opening.

Light spilled out from inside its depths, light from a fire that crackled in the centre of the cave. Behind the fire, a man hung chained to a large, rusted hook embedded in the wall. His head hung lowly, his face gaunt and ashen, and his messy black hair fell limply over his eyes. It was impossible to tell whether he was conscious or not, until-

The man raised his head and looked her directly in the eyes.

Chell blanched.

_Doug..._

Doug's attention hadn't gone unnoticed and two burly men - who Chell had only just realised were there – turned to see what he was staring at.

There was a moment of silence that seemed to stretch for an eternity, or perhaps an eternity of silence that lasted for a split second.

It shattered instantly as Doug yelled, "Chell, run!"

But Chell didn't run. She couldn't leave him just as soon as she had found him, but what else could she-

"GOTCHA."

One of the men lifted Chell off her feet and held her in the air. She struggled with all her might but the man's huge arms were too strong for her. He barked something incoherent at the other man as he tried to keep the whirlwind under control.

The man grumbled and unchained one of Doug arms, leaving him hanging painfully by one arm – and chained Chell's arm instead.

The hulking men laughed gruffly at the sight of them both hanging from the same hook.

Ms Johnson-Rattmann hung her head shamefully.

_I failed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND I WON AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHGh


	10. Part 4l Chapter Five

They hung together, side by side, their hands almost touching, but not quite.

"Chell," Doug whispered, "You have to use the Portal gun to get us out of here."

"They'll be too fast for us to both escape in time," Chell murmured back.

"There must be another way."

She looked again at the Pirates, who, albeit heavy and stockily-built, were taller than they were wide. She thought about the diameter of a portal. Could it be possible..?

Using her free arm, Chell whipped free the Portal Device, and in a split second she aimed it squarely at the first guards feet, and then at the far horizon. The man fell, startled, into apparent nothingness and Chell wasted no time in making the other guard follow suit.

"Nice," Doug commented, and his voice wavered. It was the first time he had spoken aloud in weeks.

Chell didn't respond, choosing instead to free the hook from the wall with the sword. The two fell abruptly to the ground, and Doug's legs immediately collapsed beneath him, causing Chell to reach out instinctively and grab him, lowering him down gently.

"Sorry," he mumbled, but she shook her head.

"You must not have eaten for days."

"I'm just glad it wasn't longer."

"Mm," she agreed absent-mindedly, unchaining them both as quickly as possible. "We need to get back to the boat I hired. The villager is waiting. He will take us upriver to the nearest village, and then we can..."

"We can what?"

Chell paused.

Her objective the entire time had always been to free Doug; she hadn't even considered what they would do afterwards.

"Well, let's go North first. To Mexico."

The Mayans' buildings were certainly a thing to behold. They dominated the skyline, squat yet intimidating. Chell and Doug stood, awestruck, for a long while, just looking at the centuries-old structures. The lack of tourists indicated that these Mayan ruins had never been rediscovered.

Before long, Doug's legs began to give out again and Chell led him forward to the Temple steps, sitting him down carefully. He apologised quietly, but again she shook her head.

"Don't worry about it."

Doug thought for a while.

"Where are we going to go tonight?"

"...Well, we can camp here."

He stared. "Right by this Temple? In these ancient ruins?"

She nodded, and sat beside him, laying herself back against the steps."There's a river near here that we can use for drinking and washing. The trees are less dense here too."

"Hm." Doug seemed to agree.

Chell looked at the reddening sky and felt oddly calm. There was nothing here to bother her – no technology, no science, no robots. No GlaDOS, no turrets, no cores.

Just her and Doug.

And for the first time in a long time, she smiled.

Doug blinked at her, a little taken aback, so she explained her previous thoughts. And then his face broke into a smile too, and for the first time either of them could remember, they smiled at each other.


	11. Part 4l Chapter Six

After a while, Doug stood up. "Night is falling, we should make camp."

He took off the backpack they had earlier retrieved from the Peruvian village and began pulling out sheets and poles. Chell looked at them in dismay. "We have to build it?"

"Have you never been camping before?" He queried. Chell shook her head and Doug smiled. "You'll like it. Maybe you could go and get some firewood from in there," he gestured to the nearby forest.

"Sure." Chell picked up the portal gun, placed one on the nearest building, and sprinted off into the semi-darkness.

Doug watched her go, almost entranced.

"Aren't you meant to be building something?" A voice startled him out of his momentary daze and he spun round only to see Chell with an armful of sticks.

"How did you-"

"Portals, Doug. You've got to think with Portals."

They laughed.

"Is this enough firewood?" She tipped it onto the ground near the pile of sheets and poles that was the tent-to-be.

"Plenty. Do you know how to light a fire?"

"Humans have been doing it for millions of years. I'm not that bad."

Before long, the tent was built. Neither of them questioned the fact that there was only one tent.

They sat quietly on the ground together, inside the circle of warmth that the campfire made.

"So what normally happens when you go camping?"

Doug thought back. His childhood seemed a very, very long time ago. "Well, we cook food on the fire. Or sing campfire songs."

Chell didn't think that their fruit would taste very nice if it were cooked on the fire. "Do you know any songs?"

Doug frowned. "I used to."

He hesitantly hummed a light tune, and after a while, Chell joined in. They hummed together beside the fire, and then laughed at each other.

A few days ago, Chell had been sitting at a laptop in some Lithuanian kid's bedroom and she would never have guessed that she would be here now. She wondered what Contine Overseer or her other self would say if they saw her now. It seemed like a very long time ago since she'd last spoken to them.

She wondered if she'd ever go back home. But then... where was home?

She looked at Doug and wondered where he thought his home was. Maybe his home was wherever Companion Cube was.

_I bet he misses Companion Cube._

"You look tired."

Doug's voice startled Chell and she realised he was looking back at her. "Oh.. I am."

"We should get some rest."

He stood, and Chell followed suit. There was a pause, and they looked at each other.

A silent, mutual agreement.

Tonight should be platonic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no fucking orly
> 
> then why Gladys Rattmann exists
> 
> as in Chell and Doug's daughter who was born on the same day I started translating Homestuck


	12. Part 4l Chapter Seven

Chell wasn't sure what woke her, but it was likely the exotic birdcalls. The morning was still cool and the sun hadn't quite reached above the canopy of leaves that surrounded the Mayan ruins. The sunlight through the trees made speckled patterns on the tent walls and she looked at Doug in the semi-daylight.

His head was tilted towards her and his angular, stubble-covered jaw rested on his shoulder, his mouth open slightly. His dark hair fell across his closed eyes again and Chell fought the urge to brush it out of them.

As the sun finally broke over the treetops and filled the tent with light, Doug stirred and eventually woke, smiling as he caught Chell watching him. "Good morning."

She felt her face redden and quickly sat up, using stretching as an excuse to turn away from him. "Morning."

Doug stretched contentedly where he lay. "Did you sleep well?"

"Very well, thank you."

"See, camping is not so bad. Especially for those who have been sleeping on makeshift cardboard beds "

"I guess so."

Satisfied that her blush had subsided, Chell got up and ducked out of the tent. The sky was a clear, pale morning blue and last night's fire had been reduced to a small pile of ashes. The trees nearby were teeming with busy animals and insects.

She sighed happily.

"I'm going down to the river for a wash, don't follow me," Chell instructed.

"As if I would," Doug called back playfully.

Chell walked casually down to the river's edge, shedding all of her clothes as she did so. The water was slow-moving, and murky, but clear enough to see a few feet down. She tested the water with a foot. Cold, but not unbearably so.

She took a few steps back up the river bank, and turned once she got there.

"Here goes."

She broke into a run and leapt into the water with a yell, causing a colossal splash that sent nearby birds flying. Chell surfaced, spluttering happily, and hoped her shout wouldn't bring Doug running.

"Chell?"

_Too late._

As predicted, the man sprinted along the path Chell had left, and stopped abruptly at the river bank. Chell had had the sense of mind to submerge herself up to her neck. It didn't, however, stop Doug from turning crimson as he realised that she wasn't actually in any trouble at all.

"I, uh, ah," he mumbled, before swiftly turning on his heel and marching back to camp.

Chell couldn't help but laugh.

After finishing her bathe, she re-dressed and made her way back up the hill. Doug was sitting on the Temple steps, prodding the ashes of yesterdays fire with a long stick.

He looked up with an awkward half smile, only one of his blue eyes visible through his over-hanging black hair.

Her heart skipped a beat.

_What is happening to me?_

She had never let her emotions get the better of her like this. What had changed? She walked nonchalantly over and sat beside him. He reddened again and Chell shamefully felt herself doing the same, but soon forgot her shame as she heard him sigh wistfully.

She instinctively leant her head on his shoulder, putting an arm around him in comfort. Doug jumped, surprised at the sudden contact. He looked down to find her looking back up at him, her face glowing and her eyes shining in the Mexican sunlight.

Hesitantly, unsure, he wound his arms around her waist, turning her to face him.

She parted her lips to speak, and he flinched, expecting a protest, but all he heard was a breathy whisper.

"Doug..."

He looked uncertain, but she laced her fingers into his hair encouragingly, her eyes convincing, and he finally abandoned all doubt, leaned in, and kissed her.

Chell lost herself in the kiss, startled at the emotion it stirred in her. Never had she felt such a strong feeling towards any person before.

Sure, she had kissed men, but it had never felt anything like this. This... this was indescribable.

As they surfaced to breathe, Doug kissed her once, very gently, on the forehead. And in that single, caring moment, she knew that she had found the man who she had been born to love.

The day passed quickly in a dreamy haze, and that night, after they left the warmth of the fire, Ms Johnson-Rattmann lay against him on the blankets, and they entwined their legs contentedly.

He put her arms around her, and she finally felt she had found her home.


	13. Part 4l Epilogue

"So you weren't missing Companion Cube all along?"

Doug shook his head. "Companion Cube was an obsession. You are more than that. I didn't think it was possible, at first. I never thought I could feel this way..."

Chell murmured in agreement. She sat in Doug's lap, leaning into his loving, protective arms.

Not that either of them thought she needed protecting.

It was so surreal for both of them. Sitting atop the Mayan temple which they had climbed onto the roof of, they looked across the jungles and out at the slim line of shimmering ocean in the distance.

Ms Johnson-Rattmann thought of the decision she had made all those days ago.

_She_ _couldn't_ _believe_ _she'd_ _been_ _so_ _blind._

What would have happened if she had just re-written the Business Magnet's fanfiction and carried on as if nothing had happened?

_Retire to a particular Central European city and have a perfect life?_

Doug abruptly kissed her on the side of her head and she wrapped her arms around him joyously.

What is the perfect life?

_This is the perfect life._

**End.**

* * *

_TOAN: Now the reviewers (by the way, I am expecting reviews for this, even though I never pointed this out) can go on to say this is infinitely better than my works will ever be, but again, irenicPie:_

_YOU. JUST. SUCCESSFULLY. RUINED. MY. LIFE._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and then she singlehandedly destroyed the Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise
> 
> she as in Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller"


End file.
